The Bottom of the Barrel jokes used below have been with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

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Bottom of the Barrel 46

This groaner is from Sean Robinson. It's been around forever, but it's clever enough to deserve a re-run.
Q.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A.
Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Since that was kind of short, here's another from Susan Fiore.
            It is the end of the sixth day of Creation, and God and Satan are admiring God's handiwork. God looks around contentedly and says, "It is good."
            Satan, also looking around, rubs his hands together in anticipation and says, "It IS good!  Let's organize it!"

Bottom of the Barrel 47

Kausie White sends this with a note. "Girls, you are going to love this."
            One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
            The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
            "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
            "No."
            The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
            "No."
            The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
            "Yes."
            The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
            Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
            "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
            The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
            "Yes," cried the seamstress.
            The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
            "Oh, forgive me, my Lord," said the seamstress. "It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
            Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
            And so the Lord let her keep him.
            The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
            Signed,
            All Us Women

Bottom of the Barrel 48

James Beinke writes: "I forwarded the "Bottom of the Barrel" ("they'll know we are Christians by the cars we can afford") to my daughter, Charlotte Ricker of New Berlin, Wisconsin.
          Here is her response. She has a Red VW Beetle.
The tune is "They will know we are  Christians ..."

There's a fish on my VW, there's a fish on my red bug,
              There's a fish on my "punch-buggy", on the back of my "slug bug",
With my fish I'm accountable for words from my big mug,
              And I'll drive with a smile and not like a mean thug.
Yes, they'll know I'm a Christian by the smile on my mug,
              Yes, they'll know I'm a Christian by my mug.

Bottom of the Barrel 49

Peter McKellar sent a whole page of excruciatingly awful jokes for which I am sure he will do several billion millennia in purgatory. I'd heard all of them (I too, have sinned!) except this one.
            A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
            When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Peter also sent this one, which has been on Rumors before, but it is so deliciously egregious I had to run it again.
            King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
            "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it," said Croesus.
            "But. . .but. . . I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
            Croesus smiled gently. "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Bottom of the Barrel 50

Russell Pastuch of Ottawa, Ontario reads the darndest things in the papers. Recently he spotted this item:

Cemetery full, mayor tells locals not to die
Reuters  ORDEAUX, France - The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them.
           In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told the 260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish. Offenders will be severely punished."
           The mayor said he was forced to take drastic action after an administrative court in the nearby town of Pau ruled in January that the acquisition of adjoining private land to extend the cemetery would not be justified.
Lalanne, who celebrated his 70th birthday on Wednesday and is standing for election to a seventh term in this month's local elections, said he was sorry that there had not been a positive outcome to the dilemma.
           "It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me," he said.

Bottom of the Barrel 51

Morbus Sabbaticus: A disease that affects people on Sunday morning. The symptoms are a distinct lack of energy and motivation, which tend to last until it's too late to get to church.
          While the physical morbidity dissipates within an hour or two, the spiritual morbidity tends to increase exponentially with each Sunday morning occurrence.