The Bottom
of the Barrel jokes used below have been with permission
from the author Ralph Milton.
Bottom of the Barrel 6
This from Laura Baum of
Adam was
walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of
Eden.
"What's
that?" asked Cain.
"Boys," says Adam. "That's where your mother ate us out of house
and home."
Bottom of the Barrel 7
This from Linda McMullan.
It's been around for a long time, but it gladdens the heart of all the clergy
who hear it. After the hectic activity of Easter Week, that's a good thing to
do.
Isaac
Asimov, familiar to many as a noted scientist and author, once told a hilarious
story about a Rabbi Feldman who was having trouble with his congregation. It
seemed they could agree upon nothing.
The
president of the congregation said, "Rabbi, this cannot be allowed to
continue. Come, there must be a conference, and we must settle all areas of
dispute once and for all." The rabbi agreed.
At the
appointed time, therefore, the rabbi, the president, and ten elders met in the
conference room of the synagogue, sitting about a magnificent mahogany table.
One by one the issues were dealt with and on each issue,
it became more and more apparent that the rabbi was a lonely voice in the
wilderness.
"Come, Rabbi, enough of this," said the President. "Let us vote
and allow the majority to rule." He passed out the slips of paper and each
man made his mark. The slips were collected and the president said, "You
may examine them, Rabbi. It is eleven to one against you. We have the
majority."
The
rabbi rose to his feet in offended majesty. "So," he said, "you
now think because of the vote that you are right and I am wrong. Well, that is
not so. I stand here" - and he raised his arms impressively - "and
call upon the Holy One of
There
came a frightful crack of thunder and a brilliant flash of lightning that struck
the mahogany table and cracked it in two. The room was filled with smoke and
fumes, and the president and the elders were hurled to the floor.
Through the smoke and rubble, the rabbi remained erect and untouched, his eyes
flashing and a grim smile on his face.
Slowly, the president lifted himself above what was left of the table. His hair
was singed, his glasses were hanging from one ear, his
clothing was in disarray.
"All right," he said, "eleven to two. But we still have the
majority."
Bottom of the Barrel 8
Evelyn McLachlan
attributes this story to John Ortberg.
A mother who
walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing.
"What's
the matter?" she asks.
"I've
just figured out how to tie my shoes," the boy sobs.
"Well,
honey, that's wonderful," she says. "You're growing up, but why are
you crying?"
"Because now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my
life."
Bottom of the Barrel 9
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with
that?"
Bottom of the Barrel 10
Alan Daye of
A man stood at the Pearly Gate
His face was scarred and old
He stood before the man of fate
For admission to the fold
"What have you done," St Peter asked,
"To gain admission here?"
"I've been a church organist, Sir," he said,
"For many and many a year."
The pearly gates swing open wide
As Peter touched the bell.
"Step inside," he said, "and choose your harp
You've had your share of hell."