The Bottom
of the Barrel jokes used below have been with
permission from the author Ralph Milton.
Bottom of the Barrel 11
Hank Pedersen of
But then,
Margaret Anderson also sent it. Two against one! My baser instincts won. Blame
Hank and Margaret.
But if you
can possibly manage it, don't read this.
Far away in the tropical waters of the
One day
Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn,
I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large
mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" Lo and
behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified,
Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.
Time passed
and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply
swam away whenever he came close to them.
While
swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and approached the cod
and begged to be changed back to a prawn. Poof! He was a prawn.
Looking
around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's
at home still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark."
Eager to put
things right Justin set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened
the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted
"It's me Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again.
"No way
man, you'll eat me," Christian shouted through the closed door.
"You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your
dinner."
"No I'm
not!" Justin shouted. "That was the old me. I've changed. I've found
Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
Bottom of the Barrel 12
Saint Gregory (Pope Gregory I, known as
"Gregory the Great,") was Pope from 590 to 604. Among the many
important missionary expeditions sponsored by Pope Gregory I was that of
Perhaps Pope
Gregory's most important contribution to the Church was his enforcement of
rules of life for the clergy. Vital to this enforcement was Pope Gregory's
comprehensive listing of actions and beliefs forbidden to the clergy.
This famous
codex is still in use and is known as the Gregorian Shants.
Bottom of the Barrel 13
One good turn (of the stomach) deserves
another. Sharyl Peterson of
By way of
antidote, and following the logic that two negatives make a positive, she
offers this tired, sad, unimaginably bad pun of a joke. I wouldn't run it - I'm
much too refined for that - except that Sharyl's
recovery depends on it. As Portia didn't say in "The Merchant of
Anyway, this
is my Boy Scout good deed for the week. The word "mechanicing"
is Sharyl's, not mine.
I once had a fine dog named Mace. He helped me with all my chores,
followed me around while I worked on the house and the yard, and even liked to
lie in the shade and watch me work on cars, since I'm a mechanic by
trade.
When I'd
drop a tool from time to time, he'd watch as I'd lean down and rummage around
'til I found it somewhere on the ground, then polish it up with my rag and
start to work with it again.
Well, I had
a spell of bad health, and couldn't get my yard-chores done for awhile, and
since it was mid-summer, by the time I got back to my mechanicing
work, the yard had grown up pretty tall all around my work-area.
And when I
dropped my favorite wrench one day, the grass was just too tall to get through
and find it, so I just left it. Mace could tell I was pretty broken up
about it, and he looked almost as sad as I felt.
To my
surprise, when I went out the next morning to work on the car that was waiting,
there was a big clear spot all around my work-area, where all the grass looked
like it had been chewed right off to ground level. And there lay Mace
waiting for me, grass-stains all over his face, with my missing wrench held
tight in his mouth, licked clean as a whistle, just waiting for me to use.
Well, I took
it right to heart, and right then and there, composed a song to honor the
occasion: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench
for me."
Bottom of the Barrel 14
This via Jim Taylor.
It's one of those jokes you can "re-purpose" to fit your
denominational proclivities.
An old widow calls
up her local Anglican priest. "My darling Poopsie
has died, my poor, dear Pomeranian! I must give her a decent Christian burial.
How may I arrange for a proper service?"
"Oh,
dear," says the priest, "the problem is that there really isn't any
provision in the sacrament of Christian burial for administering it to a dog. I
really don't think the Archbishop would look happily on such an irregularity.
But perhaps the
"Very
well," says the widow. "I shall call them up. By the way, what would
you say is an appropriate donation to give them for performing this service?
Would fifty thousand dollars do, or should it be a hundred thousand?"
"Good
heavens," says the priest. "Why didn't you tell me that Poopsie was an Anglican? I'm sure that the Archbishop will
see no problem at all!"
Bottom of the Barrel 15
Two men were riding a bicycle built for two
when they came to a big, steep hill. It took a great deal of struggle for the
men to complete what proved to be a very stiff climb. When they got to the top
the man in front turned to the other and said, "Boy,
that sure was a hard climb."
The fellow
in back replied, "Yes, and if I hadn't kept the brakes on all the way we
would certainly have rolled down backwards."