The Bottom of the Barrel jokes used below have been with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

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Bottom of the Barrel 16

The man was an exceedingly faithful church-goer. You might say he was a good Christian in the worst sense of the word.
            But he wasn't feeling too well, so he went to see the doctor.
            "Well, let's check out your lifestyle. Do you drink?"
            "Alcohol? Never. Demon rum has never crossed my lips."
            "Do you smoke?"
            "Absolutely not. It is a filthy, disgusting habit. People who smoke smell. I live a clean life."
            "Tell me about your sex life," said the doctor.
            "Sex life? Sex is sinful. I am in bed every night at nine o'clock."
            "So tell me, what is your problem?"
            "Well," said the man, "I have these terrible pains in my head."
            "I know what your problem is," said the doctor. "Your halo is too tight."

Bottom of the Barrel 17

Seems Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates dies suddenly and goes to the Pearly Gates (no relation). St. Peter asks him whether he wants to go to heaven or hell.
"What the heck," says Gates. "Show me hell."
            Well, hell turns out to be mostly women playing volleyball on the beach, rock bands swinging, lots of beer being guzzled.
Gates asks for a glimpse of heaven and is shown elderly people on park benches, feeding the birds, and others playing chess and gin rummy.
            "Uh, very nice," murmurs Gates, "but I think I prefer hell," at which he is plunged into molten lava. In excruciating pain, he hollers up at St. Peter, "Hey, where's the beach and the women?"
            Looking down from his Macintosh, St. Peter says, "Sorry, Bill, that was the demo."

Bottom of the Barrel 18

The magazine, "Christianity Today," carried an ad for "God-balls.*" This was a set of four balls, each with a Bible verse inscribed on it. All in the royalty-free King James version, of course. Here are the verses.
            "Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." Matt. 7:14
            "But God is the judge; he putteth down one, and setteth up another." Psalm 75:7
            "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." Psalm 23:2
            "I will see that which was lost and bring again that which was driven away." Ezekiel 34:16

* This term not to be construed as relevant to gender issues and the deity.

Bottom of the Barrel 19

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
            "And then," said the teacher, "Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. God told them to do this four times.
            Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
            A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand. "To make the gravy," she proclaimed.

Bottom of the Barrel 20

This from Nancy McClure-Long of High Falls, New York.
            King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
            Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it," said Craesus.
            "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
            "So?"
            "Do you know who I am," said the King. "My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair."
            To which Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." This from Nancy McClure-Long of High Falls, New York.
            King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
            Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it," said Craesus.
            "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
            "So?"
            "Do you know who I am," said the King. "My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair."
            To which Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."