The Bottom
of the Barrel jokes used below have been with
permission from the author Ralph Milton.
Bottom of the Barrel 26
This
from Marion Collins. It's been around since the early days
of computers, but it's still worth a chuckle.
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of
hearing all the bickering.
"That's it!" said God. "I have had enough. I am going to set up
a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who
does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job imaginable.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the
sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan searched frantically. "It's gone! It's all gone! "I lost
everything when the power went out!"
Jesus quietly printed out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
"That's not fair!" Satan screamed. "He cheated! How come he has
all his work and I don't have any?"
God just smiled. "Jesus saves!"
Bottom of the Barrel 27
The most unfair thing about
life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that,
a bonus?!?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first - get it out of
the way. Then you go live in an old-age home. You get kicked out for being too
healthy, go collect all your pension, then, when you
start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your newfound youth.
You drink, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a
little baby, you go back, you spend your last nine months floating with
luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on
tap. Then you finish life as a wonderful, holy orgasm!
Amen
Bottom of the Barrel 28
This
from Evelyn McLachlan of
A young
minister, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help her better understand
the fears and temptations her future congregations faced if she first took a
job as a police officer for several months.
She passed
the physical examination; then came the oral exam to
test her ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other
questions she was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied
crowd?"
She thought
for a moment and then said, "I would take up an offering."
Bottom of the Barrel 29
This is only funny in the
Three doctors die and go to heaven. "Why should I admit you into
heaven?" St Peter asks the first one.
"Because I
was the leading podiatrist in
"Welcome to
heaven," says St. Peter. "And what about you?" he says to the
second doctor.
"I was the
most respected cardiologist in
"Welcome to
heaven," says St. Peter. "And what about you?" he says to the
third doctor.
"I was the
most eminent brain surgeon in
"Welcome to
heaven," says St. Peter.
Just then another
person appears. "Why should I admit you to heaven?" St. Peter
demands.
"Because I
was head of the biggest HMO in the
"You may come
into heaven," says St. Peter. "But you can only stay for three
days."
Bottom of the Barrel 30
This
from Alan Craig.
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around it were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her
and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you?" "We've
been waiting for you." "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her
into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Pearly Gates for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates, her former husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you
been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," he said. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And
then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a
big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on
vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here
I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," his former wife told him.
"Which word?"
"