The Bottom of the Barrel jokes used below have been with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

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Page Seven

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Bottom of the Barrel 31

 

Umberto Eco (The Name of the Rose) is writing about the religious relics so prized in medieval times. "The Treasury of Cologne Cathedral seemingly held the skull of John the Baptist at twelve years of age."
           Eco says John the Baptist's skull was already something of a joke in the Middle Ages. According to various original accounts, a pilgrim visiting the shrines of
France was shown the skull of John the Baptist two days running at two different places. The pilgrim asked how there could possibly be two skulls belonging to John.
            "Ah," said the quick-thinking keeper of the second shrine, "the skull you saw yesterday was obviously the skull of John as a young man."

 

 

Bottom of the Barrel 32

 

This from Dave Towers: I hope it doesn't raise a red flag in too many spam filters.
            A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
            After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
            "What does a priest know about sex?" the man thinks. So he goes to a Protestant minister, who after all is a married woman and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
            Not at all pleased, he seeks out the ultimate authority - a man who stands on thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.
            The Rabbi ponders the question, then says, "My son, sex is definitely play."
            "Rabbi," says the man. "How can you be so sure? The other clergy all say it is work?"
            The Rabbi speaks softly. "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

 

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One day a mother and her eight-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge.  Suddenly, a gigantic wave splashed up on the beach, and swept the little girl out to sea.
            "Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist.  "This was my only baby.  I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life.  I have cherished every day that she's been with me.  Give her back to me, and I'll be in church every day for the rest of my life!!!!"
            Suddenly, another gigantic wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.  The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She was wearing a hat!!!!"

 

 

Bottom of the Barrel 34

 

You may need to think about this one for a bit.
            A philosopher and a theologian were having an argument about the value of their respective disciplines.
            Said the theologian, "A philosopher is just like a blind man, in a dark room looking for a cat that isn't there."
            "Yes," said the philosopher. "And the theologian would find it!"

 

Bottom of the Barrel 35

 

Here's one from the prolific Evelyn McLachlan.
            The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the
Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
            "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in and we can't send you back.
            Then St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer, this is St. Peter. I've got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?"
            Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later St. Peter got a call.
            "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."