The information used below is used with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

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Mirabile Dictu 1

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

Mirabil Dictu 2

I'm not sure if this was a complement or not. It came from Jim Taylor who said, "Your typos pale into insignificance compared to some committed by the corporate world."

"For example, a pharmaceutical company put out a paper arguing that funding for generic drugs would have to come from "charities, universities and governments" - "harmaceutical companies are unlikely to pay because they can't make money on unpatented medicines."
 That led to a flood of puns:

* Drugs used by the military: armaceuticals
* By agribusiness: farmaceuticals
* By Buddhists and Hindus: karmaceuticals
* Drugs that have been recalled: formerceuticals
* Anti-psychotics: barmyceuticals
* Drugs to control anxiety: alarmaceuticals
* Processes that contribute to global warming: warmaceuticals.
* Perhaps the makers of citrus jams: marmaceuticals.
* Slimy ads for questionable products: smarmaceuticals

Mirabil Dictu 3

*I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world seem weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make the world seem normal.
* How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Mirabil Dictu 4

"Baby Boomer Blues"

 Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate boomers.

* Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
* Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
* The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
* Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
* Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
* Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now.
* Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
* The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
* Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
* Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair.
* Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

* The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
* Abba - Denture Queen.
* Tony Orlando - Knock Three Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
* Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
* Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
* Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

Mirabil Dictu 5

This from Arnold Chadney
* On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
* On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
* On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
* On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
* On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
* On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
* On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
* On a Swedish chainsaw:" Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)