The information used below is used with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

Previous Page N ext Page

Mirabile Dictu 11

These useful definitions from Evelyn McLachlan.  * Adult - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* Cannibal - Someone fed up with people.
* Committee - A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* A committee is four people trying to park a car.
* Dust - Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* Egotist - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* Mosquito - An insect that makes you like flies better.
* Secret - something you only tell one person at a time.
* Toothache - a pain that drives you to extraction.
* Tomorrow - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Mirabile Dictu 12

This item has been around a long time, but it is clever and I think wears well. It was sent in most recently by Evelyn McLachlan.

There were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother or sister.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with his meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American First Nations person:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was work to do.

Mirabile Dictu 13

This from Don Sandin. The blurb said it was an actual letter written by an 86 year old woman. Whether that's true or not doesn't matter. It's a letter we'd all like to write from time to time.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
           By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
           I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
           My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
           I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, -- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become
           From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
           My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
           Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
           In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
           Let me level the playing field even further
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
           While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
           Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
           May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

Mirabile Dictu 14

Alan Akehurst of Kelowna, BC, sent a collection of really awful puns, and he should hang his head in shame and contrition. But I don't think he will.

            All of these have been around for eons, and should have been put out of their misery long ago. But this is the first time I've seen them collected as a group. I send them to you, so that should you ever need to exact revenge on someone for some despicable act, you can inflict these puns, in one huge overdose, on said person who will probably run screaming and naked down the street.

· A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
* Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
* Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says," Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
* A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
* A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
* These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
* Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
* And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. 

Mirabile Dictu 15

A bunch of great headlines that may or may not actually have appeared in newspapers.
            By the way, this qualifies as "religious" because of the line about the Bishop. Flimsy excuse, but what the heck!
* March Planned For Next August
* Blind Bishop Appointed To See
* Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip
* LA Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
* Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
* Teacher's Strike Idle Kids
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
* War Dims Hope For Peace
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
* Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years