The information used below is used with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

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Mirabile Dictu 16

A bunch of clergy were asked, "Which would you rather do - funerals or weddings? Some responses:

* Funerals can be any day of the week, any month of the year. They do not clump in May/June and kill all of your weekends for two months straight. Funerals usually are during the day, too.
* There is no rehearsal, nor a rehearsal dinner, for a funeral.
* The guest of honor for the funeral does not require counseling before the event.
* No one backs out of a funeral at the last minute, leaving hysterical folks in our immediate care.
* The guest(s) of honor at a funeral rarely ever fail to show up.
* The guest of honor never shows up too drunk to participate.
* There are few, if any, surprises (like cases of grooms/brides sleeping with maids of honor/best men) that get announced during the event, effectively canceling the event and causing much chaos, hate, and discontent.
* Event dates are rarely changed once set in print.
* No one worries about what the clergy wears to the funeral. There is no requirement to color-coordinate with the main party.
* With funerals, we are (hopefully) sending folks off to a better place.  With some marriages, that outcome is not so clear.
* The scriptures (of nearly all faiths) can provide words of guidance and comfort for dealing with the bereaved.  The scriptures don't say squat about how to deal with deranged in-laws!!!!
* It does take an Act of God to undo the funeral!!!!

Mirabile Dictu 17

Those of us who are long of tooth and short of breath will remember the famous Abbott and Costello routine, "Who's On First."             This came from Bill Toner in Calgary, Alberta, who says "all your computer problems made me want to send it to you." It's a bit long and doesn't really belong on Rumors, but I laughed until my eyes watered, which for me is justification enough. So I tweaked it a bit to make it "religious."

Rev. Costello Buys a Computer.

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office here in my church and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
A: Mac?
C: No, the name's Lou.
A: Your computer?
C: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
A: Mac?
C: I told you, my name's Lou.
A: What about Windows?
C: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
A: Do you want a computer with Windows?
C: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
A: Wallpaper.
C: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
A: Software for Windows?
C: No. On the computer! I need some thing I can use to write sermons, track the church finances. That sort of thing. What do you have?
A: Office.
C: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
A: I just did.
C: You just did what?
A: Recommend something.
C: You recommended something?
A: Yes.
C: For my office?
A: Yes.
C: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
A: Office.
C: Yes, for my office!
A: I recommend Office with Windows.
C: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a sermon. What do I need?
A: Word.
C: I know. I get that from the Bible? John 1. "The Word was made flesh.."
A: No, Word in Office.
C: The only word in office is office.
A: The Word in Office for Windows.
C: Which word in office for windows?
A: The word you get when you click the blue "W".
C: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about church finances? You have anything I can track our givings, our money with?
A: Money.
C: That's right. What do you have?
A: Money.
C: I need money to track my money?
A: It comes bundled with your computer.
C: What's bundled with my computer?
A: Money.
C: Money comes with my computer?
A: Yes. No extra charge.
C: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
A: One copy.
C: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
A: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
C: They can give you a license to copy money?
A: Why not? They own it!
(A few days later)
A: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
C: How do I turn my computer off?
A: Click on "Start" .............

Mirabile Dictu 18

The theology students, from across the country, were having a class on the psychology of emotions - specifically, mood swings.
"Let's name some of the extremes," the Prof said. "I'll name one extreme, you name the other. Joy," he said, and pointed to the first student.
            "Sadness," came the immediate reply.
            "Hope," said the Prof. pointing to the second student.
"Despair!"
            "Fear!" said the Prof. to the third student.
"Courage!"
            "Woe," said the Prof pointing to a student from Alberta.*
            "Giddyup!" said the Albertan.

*You can substitute Texas or any place you like, or even the name of a particular person.

Mirabile Dictu 19

This from Francis Chisholm of Hamilton, Ontario, via Fran Ota of Toronto.
Chisholm's First Law of Human Interaction: If anything can wrong, it will!
Chisholm's Second Law: Be reasonable! Do it my way!
Treat's Laws of Religious Dynamics:
1st Law: Holiness accumulates
2nd Law: A religion in motion remains in motion. A religion at rest remains in motion.
3rd Law: For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
4th Law: Traditions cover their own tracks
5th Law: Mainstream religion is the red light on the caboose of the train of social progress
6th Law: The need for mediators varies with the transcendence of the divine.

Mirabile Dictu 20

Courtesy of Evelyn McLachlan of Mississauga, Ontario

 * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Evelyn says if you read through all of the above and writhed in pain, it was pun-ishment for having a weird sense of humor.