The information used below is used with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

Previous Page N ext Page

Mirabile Dictu 21

A theological word list for Catholics. Of course, most of this applies to all churches, so you can adapt it accordingly.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in churches.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

Mirabile Dictu 22

Nancy McClure-Long of High Falls, New York should probably be subject to disciplinary action from her church for sending these. There must be a law against such punny humor.
In Leviticus, maybe?

* Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
* A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
"Now, settle down," said the doctor. "You'll just have to be a little patient."
* A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal doctor who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the anthropologist.
The tribal doctor looked him in the eye. "Listen! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Mirabile Dictu 23

This from John Cockburn:

Usefully Daffy-nitions.
* Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* Beauty parlor: A place where women (and a whole lot of men) curl up and dye.
* Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
* Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
* Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* Handkerchief: Cold storage.
* Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
* Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
* Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
* Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
* Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
* Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
* Wrinkles: Something other people have. I have character lines.

Mirabile Dictu 24

This from April Dailey who got it from Christie Yaple who got it from Marg.
All of his life George had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
            On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.
            George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
            Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, sonny boy, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

Mirabile Dictu 25

This from Phil Gilman who writes: "I just received this through the web's sticky strands without accreditation."

And God Created Dog and Cat - A newly discovered chapter of the book of Genesis provides the answer to the question: "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "God, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, "God, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you its name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'Dog'."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
And it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to God and said, "God, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy and wagged his tail.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.