The information used
below is used with permission from the author Ralph Milton.
Mirabile Dictu 31
Have you wondered what it would be like if
God decided to install voice mail? This could make for some interesting sermon
time, if the voice mail "voice" came from someone on a microphone out
of sight of the congregation.
Imagine
beginning your prayer and getting a response like this: "Thank you for
calling God's House. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for
Requests, Press 2 for Thanksgiving, Press 3 for Complaints, Press 4 for All
Other Inquiries.
What if God
used the familiar excuse, "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping
other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be
answered in the order it was received, so please stay on your knees."
Or can you
imagine getting these responses as you call God in prayer? "If you would
like to speak to: Gabriel, Press 1; Michael, Press 2; for a directory of other
angels, Press 3. If you'd like to hear King David sing
a psalm while you are holding, please press 4. To find out if a loved one has
been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her social security number, then
press the pound key. If you get a negative response, try area code 666.
"For
reservations at God's House please enter J-O-H-N, followed by
"The
office at God's House is closed from
Mirabile Dictu 32
This from Peggy Neufeldt, who says these came from some "junior church students."
However, the
whole thing bears the marks of significant adult editing, including phrases
from other items that have been circulating on the internet. But
what the heck? They're fun. * In the beginning, which occurred near the
start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than
that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God
made the world.
* He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed
God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not
sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
* Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million or something.
* One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.
* After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
* Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the
* One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
* After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There
were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about
them.
* After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in
* Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his
hands instead.
* Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to
life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Mirabile Dictu 33
Ten Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained
1. Their
physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as picking
turnips or dehorning cattle. It would indeed be "unnatural" for them
to do other forms of work. How can we argue with the intended order that is
instituted and enforced by nature?
2. For men who have children, their duties as ministers might
detract from their responsibilities as parents. Instead of teaching their
children important life skills like how to make a wiener-roasting stick, they
would be off at some committee meeting or preparing a sermon. Thus these
unfortunate children of ordained men would almost certainly receive less attention
from their male parent. Some couples might even go so far as to put their
children into secular daycare centers to permit the man to fulfill his duties
as a minister.
3. According to the Genesis account, men were created before
women, presumably as a prototype. It is thus obvious that men represent an
experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.
4. Men are
overly prone to violence. They are responsible for the vast majority of crime
in our country, especially violent crime. Thus they would be poor role models,
as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
5. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus
was a man. Thus his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of
the subordinate position that all men should take. The story also illustrates
the natural tendency of all men to be either unwilling or unable to take a
stand. From the
6. Jesus didn't
ordain men. He didn't ordain any women either, but two wrongs don't make a
right.
7. If men
got ordained, then they wouldn't be satisfied with that; they'd want more and
more power. Next thing most of the Conference leaders would be men and then
where would we be? No. The line must be drawn clearly now before it's too late.
8. Many, if
not most men who seek to be ordained, have been influenced by the radical
"men's movement" (or "masculist
movement"). How can they be good leaders if their loyalties are divided
between leading a church and championing the masculist
drive for men's rights? The tract writers haven't pronounced on it yet, but the
masculist movement is probably profoundly
un-Christian.
9. To be an
ordained pastor is to nurture and strengthen a whole congregation. But these
are not traditional male roles. Rather, throughout the history of Christianity,
women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing,
but also more fervently attracted to it. Women, the myth goes, are fulfilled
and completed only by their service to others. This makes them the obvious
choice for ordination. But if men try to fit into this nurturing role, our
young people might grow up with Role Confusion Syndrome, which could lead to
such terrible traumas as the Questioning Tradition Syndrome.
10. Men can
still be involved in Church activities, without having to be ordained. They can
still take up the offering, shovel the sidewalk, and maybe even lead the
singing on Fathers' Day. In other words, by confining
themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important
in the life of the Church. Why should they feel left out?
Mirabile Dictu 34
* Nietzche is piesche but Satre is smartre.
* Jesus saves. Moses invests.
* Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* Help a nun kick her habit.
* My mother made me a homosexual. Immediately below this: If I get her the
wool, will she make me one too?
* Old soldiers never die. Just young ones.
* God is dead - Nietzsche. Under this in another hand: Nietzsche is dead - God.
Mirabile Dictu 35
This delightful list from Peggy Neufeld in
* I only know the names of two angels.
Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5
* Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear
halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
* It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to
heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you
got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
* Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something
else. Mitchell, 7
* My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for
science. Henry, 8
* Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main
subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
* When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he
lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10
* Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an
angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then
when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6
* Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good
carpenter. Jared, 8
* All angels are girls because they gotta wear
dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9
* My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a
big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Kate
Lynn, 9
* Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help
the child get over it. Vicki, 8
* What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot
arrows at them. Sarah, 7