The information used below is used with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

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Mirabile Dictu 36

Robert Scott has an ambivalent relationship with the spell-checker on his computer. So do I. Robert sends this along "for those who live by the word and .............."

Note to US folks. You need to know that those who hold to the veddy veddy British tradition of "received" English, spell the word "check" as "cheque." Presumably therefore, a "chequer" is someone who writes "checks." "Chequer" also refers to the summer home of the British Prime Minister (I'll bet you didn't know that!).

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue,
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word,
And weight four it two say.
Weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite,
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

Mirabile Dictu 37

This is from Victor Spencer of Harrismith, South Africa. It's a letter from "Cardboard Fabrications Ltd."

Dear Reverend.
We are sure that you have come across our extremely successful products already.
            Among our lines are cardboard police cars to discourage speeding and cardboard policemen to deter shoplifters.  As well as other standard lines.
            Following on the success of these, we are pleased to announce that we can now supply cardboard clergy.
            The cardboard minister is invaluable to hard-pressed clergy who need a holiday.  It is life sized and comes in progressive, middle of the road and Tridentine models.  It is especially effective when stood behind the lectern.
            Field trials have shown that when the cardboard clergy was installed without the congregation knowing. 40 per cent of those later questioned had noticed no difference. 25 per cent said there had been a considerable improvement.
            Soon we hope to have available a cardboard Bishop which can be placed in the Diocese while the real Bishop is away in Canterbury. Trial models have been installed for some time in the Bishop's conference without being detected. One is even said to have made a short excellent speech related to its topic.
            Work on the cardboard Dean has unfortunately been abandoned.  Market research demonstrated that since nobody actually wants the real thing, there would therefore not be much demand for the cardboard substitute.
            However, our cardboard congregation is now on the market and selling well.  Its response to homilies is indistinguishable from the real thing and it has the positive advantage that when volunteers are called for nobody makes a dash for the door.  In some churches there has even been a marked improvement in the singing.
Yours faithfully
            C. Board
            Marketing Director.

Mirabile Dictu 38

How to Kill Your Church from "Brethren Family Almanac," 1897

1. Don't come.
2. If you do come, come late.
3. Try to make lots of noise.
4. Don't imagine the front seats were meant for you; people might think you conceited.
5. Come bound to find fault.
6. Don't for the world ever think of praying for the church.
7. Don't sing.
8. Don't take any part in the service.
9. Don't encourage the pastor, but tell the pastor's faults to others.
10. Visit other churches half the time.
11. If somebody said a good thing and it helped you, don't tell them, it might make them vain.
12. If you see strangers in the audience, make them as uncomfortable as possible.
13. Never speak of the meetings to anyone.
14. Don't believe in missions.
15. Don't give much to benevolence.
16. Let the pastor do all the work.
17. See that the pastor bears the cross alone and you go free.
18. Don't take your denominational paper.
19. Don't give your preacher anything.
20. Try to run the church.
21. If you think everything is harmonious, try to do something to engender all the strife you can.

Mirabile Dictu 39

This from John Severson. Good fun for a Christmas party.

* Sleep in heavenly peas (Sleep in heavenly peace) "Silent Night"
Olive, the other reindeer (All of the other reindeer)"Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparce and brown (In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is Parson Brown) "Winter Wonderland"
* He will bring us windows and limes (He will bring us goodness and light) "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
* Oh, Come, froggy faithful (Oh, come all ye faithful) "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful"
* An eggshell stable (In excelsis Deo) "Angels We Have Heard On High"
* Police have my dad  (Feliz Navidad) "Feliz Navidad"
* While shepherds washed their socks by night (While shepherds watch'd their flocks by night) "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
* O tanned and bound (O Tannebaum) "O Tannebaum"

Mirabile Dictu 40

This list of bulletin bloopers has been around for some time and came around this time via Bill McSeveney. In fact, I think this particular list originated with Rumors a few years ago. Doesn't matter. I'm repeating it, because it is very useful to use as an ice-breaker at a Christmas party.

* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
*The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
* Miss Maddison sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."