The information used below is used with permission from the author Ralph Milton.

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Mirabile Dictu 41

"Deck the halls with advertising," wrote Stan Freeburg some years ago. "Now's the time for merchandizing. Profit never needs a reason. Get the money, it's the season. Fa la la, etc.
            In that spirit here's a bit of theology that's a bit on the flaky side, but it might offer a chuckle, and who knows, it might start someone thinking.
God:
. . .  is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... God works miracles.
. . .  is like a FORD ... God's got a better idea.
. . .  is like COKE ... God's the real thing.
. . .  is like HALLMARK CARDS ... God cares enough to send the very best.
. . .  is like TIDE ... God gets stains out that others leave behind.
. . .  is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... God brings good things to life.
. . .  is like SEARS ... God has everything.
. . .  is like SCOTCH TAPE ... Invisible, but you know God is keeping things together.
. . .  is like DELTA ... God's ready when you are.
. . .  is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with God.
. . .  is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... God holds through all kinds of weather.
. . .  is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have God. Don't you wish everybody did?

Mirabile Dictu 42

The Night Before Christmas (the legal description), which pulsed from the pen (a/k/a/ a laptop) of one James Taylor proving that he is after all a closet lawyer.

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
             A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
             The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
             Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
             Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
             At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
             Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
             The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
             Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
             Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
             Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
             However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
             "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Mirabile Dictu 43

A delightful Yuletide gift from John Cameron who sent along a wild collection of "spoonerisms." These are transpositional gaffes where the first letters of some of the words are swapped.
            These delightful mix-ups are attributed to the Rev. William Archibald Spooner (1844-1930), even though the poor man was really responsible for only one or two. The only one the Reverend Doctor admitted to was in announcing the hymn, "Conquering Kings Their Titles Take." He said, "Kinkering Congs . . .
            The legend might have been contained except that Spooner taught at New College, Oxford. His occasional "clerical errors" got the rumors going, and soon the students started inventing them.
Here's the list that John sent.
* The phrase "a well-oiled bicycle" sounds quite innocuous, when Rev. Spooner said it, the phrase came out "a well-boiled icicle"
* He reprimanded one student for "fighting a liar in the quadrangle"
instead of "lighting a fire in the quadrangle"
* Another student "hissed my mystery lecture." To the latter he added in disgust, "You have tasted two worms."
* One of his more famous phrases was when he raised a toast to Her Highness Victoria. Instead of toasting the "Dear old Queen" he said "Three cheers for our queer old dean!"
* During WWI he reassured his students, "When our boys come home from France, we will have the hags flung out."
* And he lionized Britain's farmers as "noble tons of soil."
* His goofs at chapel were legendary. "Our Lord is a shoving leopard," he once intoned. * He quoted 1 Corinthians 13:12 as, "For now we see through a dark, glassly..."
* Officiating at a wedding, he prompted a hesitant bridegroom, "Son, it is now kisstomary to cuss the bride."
* And to a stranger seated in the wrong place: "I believe you're occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?"
* Did Spooner really say, "Which of us has not felt in his heart a half-warmed fish?" he certainly could have - he was trying to say half-formed wish.
* At a naval review Spooner marveled at "this vast display of cattle ships and bruisers."
* To a school official's secretary: "Is the bean dizzy?"
* Visiting a friend's country cottage: "You have a nosey little crook here."

Mirabile Dictu 44

This is one of those collections of delightful children's sayings, which show distinct signs of adult redaction. Doesn't matter. They're good fun and some are worth remembering.

* I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -Age 15
* Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. - Age 13
* It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the Queen.  Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. - Age 8
* Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. - Age 10
* Home is where the house is. - Age 6
* I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. - Age 13
* For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. - Age 6
* My younger brother asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. - Age 10
* When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. - Age 5
* I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was just a lawn mower. - Age 11
* As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. - Age 7
* Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! - Age 6
* If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. - Age 15

Mirabile Dictu 45

Notices seen on church graveyards.

* The grave spaces in this churchyard are reserved for the dead who live in this parish.
* Owing to the fact that we no longer have a sexton, we ask that people keep their own graves tidy.
* No alterations may be carried out in this graveyard without obtaining permission from the bodies concerned.

Mirabile Dictu 46

Jim Taylor and I share an aversion to profanity. Not so much because it's bad, but because it is so boring. Especially when they rely on a series of over-used four-letter words that long ago lost their shock value. That's why, I think, he sent me this list of classy insults.

* An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:  She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
* A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."  "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
* "He had delusions of adequacy."
                        Walter Kerr
* "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
* "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
                        Winston Churchill
* "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
                        Clarence Darrow
* "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
* "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
                        Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
* "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
                         Moses Hadas
* "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
                        Abraham Lincoln
* "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
                        Mark Twain
* "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
                         Oscar Wilde
* "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend - if you have one."
                        George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
* "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second - if there is one."
                        Winston Churchill, in response.
* "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
                        Stephen Bishop
* "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
                        John Bright
* "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
* "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
* "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
                        Mae West
* "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
                        Oscar Wilde
* "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination."
                        Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
* "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
                        Billy Wilder
* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

Mirabile Dictu 47

This is from Margaret Wood. It's been around for a long time, but it's a good one to reflect on once in awhile.

One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister. A member of an official board undergoing this painful process finally lost patience. He'd watched the pastoral relations committee reject applicant after applicant for some fault, alleged or otherwise. It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he stood up and read a letter purporting to be from another applicant.
          "Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I've been a preacher with much success and also have had some success as a writer. Some say I'm a good organizer. I've been a leader most places I've been.
          "I'm over 50 years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.
          "My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I've not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I baptized."
          "However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you."
          The board member looked over at the committee. "Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?"
          The good church folk were aghast. "Call an unhealthy, trouble-making, absentminded, elderly ex-jailbird?"
          "Are you crazy? Who signed the application? Who has such colossal nerve?"
          The board member eyed them all keenly. "It's signed, 'the Apostle Paul.'"

Mirabile Dictu 48

This came from Annie Campbell of Epworth Grange, Bury, UK, via Denys Saunders of Birmingham, UK.  It's called, "I'm Very Well, Thankyou."

            There is nothing the matter with me
I'm as healthy as can be
I have arthritis in both knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze
            My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports I have for me feet
Or I wouldn't be able to go out on the street
            Sleep is denied me night after night
But every morning I find I'm all right
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
            The moral is this - as my tale I unfold
That for you and me who are getting old
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in
            How do I know that my youth is all spent
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my "got up" has bin
            Old age is golden I've heard it said
But sometimes I wonder and get into bed
With my ears in the drawer, my teeth in a cup
My specs on the table until I get up.
            Ere sleep overtakes me I say to myself
Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?
When I was young my slippers were red
I could kick my heels right over my head
            When I was older my slippers were blue
But I still could dance the whole night through.
Now I am older my slippers are black
I walk to the shop and puff my way back
            I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper to read the obits.
If my name is still missing I know I'm not dead
And so I have breakfast and go back to bed.

Mirabile Dictu 49

This also from Dave Towers:

           Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
           Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
           Dolly removes an article of clothing that reveals the maximal mammaries that made her famous.
           "Thank you Dolly," says the Angel. "They are most impressive." Then the Angel asks Her Majesty the same question.
           The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her handbag, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
           "OK," says the angel. You may enter, Your Majesty."
           Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
           "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair." 

Mirabile Dictu 50

Why I Don't Go To the Movies

1) The manager of the theatre never called on me.
2) I went a few times, but nobody spoke to me. They're not friendly at the movies.
3) Every time I go to the movies, they ask for money.
4) Not all the people at the movies live down to the ethical standards in the movies.
5) I went so much as a kid - I don't need the entertainment anymore.
6) The movies last too long. I can't sit still for two hours!
7) I don't care for some of the people I see at the theatre.
8) I don't always agree with the things I see and hear at the movies.
9) The music isn't all that good in the movies.
10) The shows are held in the evening, the only time I can be with my family.